My dear melancholy

Wasted time

A mystery, the illusion of what I imagined you to be and the pedestal I put you on, that’s what kept me hooked. The more I found out in bits and pieces is what kept me intrigued but it’s funny how those angles and glimpses of lights in the dark can do to someone’s persona when I was blinded in the long run, I was gullible, a fool that rushed in, I was all in but for why? Just to please and make you happy, whatever you did to keep me hooked you did It well, It must be the way you wore confidence, nonetheless that appeal you have never went over my mind, but all It was, was dessert after a meal just the crave nothing that I need, just a want, but I’m more mindful of what I eat now


Call out my name

Idk how/why/when you gained that much power over me, while I found myself thinking afterwards that if certain things I did would impress you, I don’t have feelings for you, just care, and always it’ll always be just that. I thought you were perfect for me, and maybe in a different life/time you would’ve been, the right person wrong timing but I’ve watched you crumble before my eyes because of what you did to me and what you did to yourself. It was destructive to me and you, and I hated you for so long for carrying me so deep and leaving me there to find myself back. But I did and I secretly wished you would be there waiting, but after time went on and putting the broken pieces of myself back together I realized you were never there It was just an illusion I asked for, I still wish you the best, I still applaud for you, I still want you do become everything and gain everything you deserve which is A lot I’ve never seen motive and passion as you, You’re exactly what your name means, one mention and you awake the crowd, you are/always will be the anomaly the one that broke me down but I’ll always wish good for you and upon you and I have no grudges against you anymore I don’t hold that in myself and I certainly won’t for you


Privilege

The unexpected, idk how this came to light/ came to be/ but once It hit me, It hit me. It was genuine but It was fear from you that held back what possibly could’ve been, I know I rushed you but I was lead on, You carried this horse to the water and made him drink then left him there, I wanted to be everything you wanted to find in yourself, I wanted to be that strength in you just for you to realize It in yourself. Sadly I was just a temporary stop, funny thing is as I was coming into the mold of the man I am you seemed to be the perfect fit to mold together with, it’s as we were two broken molds that could’ve been recreated and would’ve made a great vase. It was a waste of time, the chase that leads me into a craze. Sadly I don’t wish you well but I don’t wish bad on you either because of the roller coaster you put my heart/mind/emotions through, for that I’d wish you go through something just to understand the patience I put myself through to try and love and push everything aside to show you I was here trying to “beat a dead horse” It wasn’t a kiss we shared, love we made, or promises kept, because nothing physical ever happened. It was just a phone call that continued and never stopped and the joy that came from It. Happy to say this and admit that all that’s left for you is well wishes


3 different experiences inspired by tracks from “The Weeknd’s EP

Hope you enjoy this concept

City of Boston

I was organizing old photos and came across my folder from my Boston road trip 2 years ago, and was reminded of beautiful and relaxing the city was and I decided to blog about it, this isn’t a trip review although I have to inform you now, theres a twist to this post.

Two years ago, a close friend of mine Anjali and I decided to finally carry out our plans of going to Boston M.A, I can’t tell you how we came up with the idea of it that part of my memory is foggy(Give me a break, I’m starting to feel the of age pains) but I can tell you that this trip was amazing from start to finish. My close friend is about 5’3 or 5’4 feet but even being that short she’s full of energy and a great persona, a genuine polite girl unlike any other, she was annoying but I tell you we never argued, we were great friends we always laughed about the stupidest things, made a joke/insider out of everything and anyone. It’s one of those friendships where you see someone and you automatically know they’re going to do or say something stupid(that was me) but she was expecting it and that’s what was great about it.She knew me and I knew her and we clicked idk somehow we just got one another.Also she’s one of the most beautiful women you’d ever lay your eyes on, natural beauty at that. Alright there’s that sooo….

The car ride was great, I mean honestly I love driving its so relaxing and I usually hate driving with people but she’s perfect company. Honestly thinking about the car ride going there is making me smirk and laugh as she came across a dope reggae mix on soundcloud(now pause)*IF YOU’RE CARRIBEAN AND YOU LISTEN TO REGGAE MIXES WITH A LIVE DJ ON THE TRACK YOU KNOW HE’S SCREAMING “SKIN OUT YUH CYAT” “SHOW YUH ASS DEH GYAL” ETC ETC”(back to the story) the weather was warm and we were stuck in traffic with the windows down meanwhile this DJ is going bonkers on the mix and cars are passing looking at us like “uhm what”.

Moving along, I was excited about this trip I really didn’t travel much growing up, I chose to fully support myself and that meant alot of sacrifices for living so this was officially my first road trip.We spent two days there and honestly the minute we step foot out into the city there was nothing like the energy I felt. The view of the city, the water surrounding it, the cleanliness, the air, there was nothing like it. Now Boston is small but honestly it’s like its own little world. I was amazed, and for two days we covered that city, museums,parks,landmarks,restaurants, oh and let me not forget the WALKING SO MUCH WALKING. Not that I minded, the city was so gorgeous I wanted to explore every end of the city. For some reason I felt tied to that city it was amazing, what also made it interesting is that I was currently playing FALLOUT 4 which is based off the city of M.A so I was going crazy identifying landmarks the game had that were based off the city. I’m literally walking the Freedom Trail boasting about how many supermutants and feral gouls I’ve killed excited as I’m trailing it back the video game, all the while shes like “shutup omg shutup omg you’re going crazy right now you’re super excited its annoying (women even best friends can’t understand video games” We walked the freedom trail, Saw Bunker Hill, the USS Constitution.

One thing that stuck out into to her especially was our visit to the Isabella Gardner Museum (Now we’re both a fan of art moreso her than me) but this museum was beautiful she was boasting ” ha ha I get a student discount” and I’m replying “haha you’ll never graduate” since she was always complaining she was failing and I was forever labeling her a dumbass” but I was wearing a Red Sox hat and I got a discount as well. Anyways let me tell you this museum was amazing, and the exhibits they had were beautiful.

 

But there was one thing that stuck out to her, this exhibit/painting/quote IMG_0943

The quote states “To Be Generous is to be selfless and thus unafraid of being vulnerable. If you’re afraid to be generous in this world you’re selfish”

Now It was a great quote but it was common sense to me, since that’s what I practice and preach. I’m a very generous guy most of my friends tell me TOO Generous, But I can’t help it, it’s just who I am.But to her this post was helping her at a great time of need, UNFORTUNATELY the gift shop had nothing she could take home of this beautiful piece of art. Only the photo my phone captured. So that’s basically our trip in a nutshell, topped off by fancy restaurants, drinks, great company, good vibes and great weather for 2 days. I will never forget that trip it was a great memory for me and a once close friend. So thus the end of the trip

 

BUT NOT THE END OF THE POST……

Unfortunately me and her had a falling out at the beginning of last year, a little personal so I won’t get into it, but I was the one to end the friendship. See I was hurt by something she had did that signified she didn’t really care for me as a friend, but I also understand what things one must do in their lives for their own happiness, so there was no ill will, I respected her choices, wished her the best as she did and we left it at that.

 

4th of July weekend 2016

I was hanging out with one of my younger cousins more frequently, as I had a new road trip buddy as he had a job and was of age. We wanted to just do something 4th of July, since it was a long weekend and we just wanted to get away so I suggested Boston for the weekend and he was down with it.IMG_0908

While we were on our way to hit Faneuil Hall and get some food, I knew the subway system well and

he was asking “How you know so much shit about this place you came here before right? with who”

“I came with my old best friend Anjali, you remember her? she’s been at family parties”

Him:no clue

Now thank god for his horrible memory, cause I went fishing for a picture of her, she had nothing on her page so I went through her sisters page and found photos she and Anjali were tagged in. They were recent college graduation pictures of my old friend Anjali

I was shocked, amazed,proud. I knew this girl since I was 19 and and I was 26 then, she’d been through alot(mostly caused by herself lol) but still doesnt defeat what a milestone achievement this was. I was so proud of her and happy, I wish I had known because I would’ve went crazy knowing she was graduating.

On the last day when me and my cousin were heading back home A thought came to me“I should go back to that museum to see if they have anything from that exhibit”. So I went back to the museum,paid for admission and went into the gift shop. TO FIND THAT THEY HAD THAT EXACT SAME PAINTING THAT SHE WISHED SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN A YEAR AGO. It was fate, I couldn’t believe it the painting that meant so much to her, was there. I bought it, gave my unused ticket to a mom and daughter just walking in(I know i’m chock full of good deeds) and drove straight home to the UPS office and shipped it to her secretly as a graduation present.

I was amazed how the universe conspired in that moment, Imagine when me and Anjali took the trip and she loved that painting they didn’t have anything in the gift shop, only for me to love that city so much to want to go back and see that she had graduated and being the person I am,not only wanting to get her a gift for graduating BUT TO REMEMBER THAT EXACT PAINTING, IN THAT MUSEUM.

She messaged me on FB messenger the next day to wish me a thank you, and I had told friends about it  and what her reaction was and most of them were like that’s it?  but to be honest I didn’t care, I knew she loved it and I was happy for just that. That was my satisfaction out of it, just knowing it made her happy that someone remembered something so closely about her, and wanted to something thoughtful for her. To this day I can’t even begin describe how shocked I was at the universes hand in playing it’s part to obstruct something like this to happen. I was happy, and that’s honestly the type of guy I am lol that’s how big my heart is.

This Past week 2018

She messaged me, and told me she wrote about the gesture I did for her concerning the gift and the painting.

IMG_3110

 

ALL IN ALL

Sometimes we fall out with people, for good reasons or bad.But honestly just because you stop being friends with someone doesn’t mean you have to stop caring. Anjali will always be someone close to me, whether or not I am to her, and it’s because she was there for me when a lot of people were not, she understood me, she supported me, she believed and helped me out. There were alot of great memories between us and when I saw she graduated I was proud of her and how far she’d come and I just wanted to let her know that.

The reason why the universe conspired that day in:

1.Getting me to Boston

2.Helping me find out she graduated

3.Making my memory great to remember the painting

It’s unbelievable, and I’m not being cliche about it, It really was intuition and I’m astounded by how I listened and that came about. Some of you may be reading this and thinking(YOU LOVE HER YOU WANT HER) but I don’t she’ll always be a friend to me, other female friends has claimed she may have feelings for me, I doubt that, but it’s also clear I don’t have control of life and where it takes us, and what can happen, so honestly confusing or not I’ll just leave that there.BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY

To Be Generous is to be selfless and thus unafraid of being vulnerable. If you’re afraid to be generous in this world, you’re selfish”

-Dedicate this to my close friend Jeetanjali D. Sawh

Always wishing you the best big head

Thoughts


9:22 PM at a bar crowded by my thoughts

I wasn’t supposed to be here, I should be at your place with the element of surprise in my favor but to my advantage you weren’t home, always 1 up on me

I shouldn’t be texting you that I’m waiting on you 

But things never go as we plan, however no matter what I wasn’t leaving this city until I confronted you instead of giving you the option to hide behind text messages

This beer helps with the ease of knowing everything you’re going to say

But I have to hear it for myself, I need those words to brand me, I need you finally mean something that’s gonna come out of your mouth….

I don’t wanna carry that burden of curiosity 

It’s close to 10, phone at 18% she’ll be home soon 

Me to me:are you ready for this?

Me: Yeah, For the inevitable?

Me to me: have faith she’s different

Me: lol yeah

Other me: you wouldn’t have came all this way if you didn’t expect things to be different

Me:I just need to know rather than live on an imaginative thought, she’ll be halfway

Me to me: then convince her 

Me:why convince someone what I’m 100% on,but I’m going too pride is out the window

Her:” I’m not leaving anytime soon so come here instead *drops address* at 9:20

*driving to the destination, car is quiet, Only music playing ” wait is it…oh yeah I hate this song next”

*10:30* after the conversation and I drive off

Me to me: They do say history repeats itself

Me:lol yeah, atleast I know now FOR SURE 

Other me:Damn I liked you guys together she was different

Me to me:Was she? 

Me:She gave me an answer nonetheless so yeah

Other me:just turn the music up 

Me to me:like old times my friends 

Me:yupp this doesn’t get old lol

NO ROLE MODELZ…

“Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved, Don…..”

Okay Okay I apologize, that chorus is too catchy

FOCUS!!! okay

So, I know there are a lot of people that have people in their lives that inspire them to do certain things, and moreover some have ROLE MODELS. There’s nothing wrong with that I’m not here to argue that you shouldn’t, my goal here is to announce something different.

Truthfully, I for one do not have a role model or someone that I look up too. I don’t have inspirations in people I hope to be like either, and honestly if you’re reading this and calling BULLSHIT I don’t blame you but I don’t.

I’ve honestly only been my only role model, only because I myself don’t know what I am capable of but my idea was to ALWAYS challenge and push myself towards any limitation to surpass any obstacle. I enjoy exploring life and taking the steps to figure out myself, and be the best human being in the world, and I don’t find that looking up to someone else can help me accomplish that. I am HIGHLY competitive, and the only person I deem I to beat out is I. I must only overachieve more than my last accomplishment, this is why I’m highly confident, because no matter what comes my way, what I have to do, and I PUSH AND CHALLENGE MYSELF AND MY MENTAL TO OUTDO ANYTHING I’VE PREVIOUSLY DONE.

There are people who I admire, and say that’s a good concept to carry, and I manipulate that to my own means of perception and shaping what I like and do like. Now that I think about it, this is a strong fact as to why I’ve always been highly adaptable in various environments. I move at my own pace, and try to outdo myself as I see that is my only competition. Since other people have had their moments to shine and opportunities and being if that’s your role model. You might find that you beat yourself up not having as accomplished as much as they did at a certain time frame. So if you’re just like me in not having a role model, see that it isn’t unique that you don’t. I honestly see it as a gift, whereas I do see that where having a role model could also benefit me. Someone to look up too, someone to help push the drive, push the passion. But see me personally, I can do that for myself, I do things with passion I’m 100% in or nothing at all (as explained before). Being in competition with myself is the best thing, since I HAVE to beat myself up to be better than myself in prior years, I can’t plateau cause my younger self was doing something better than I am doing now ( AND ILL BE DAMNED IF MY PRIME OUTDOES ME). I am in competition with myself, I push myself, I inspire myself, I look to overcome and outdo myself. Sounds kind of bizarre in a way doesn’t it but it’s not. I just In Nore’s words “I believe I wake up and I piss excellence” and that’s because there’s not a day that passes by where it doesn’t cross my mind (how can I be better than yesterday). That’s just my competitive nature kicking in into staying above the rest; I want to be better than myself because I feel I’m the best. While there are many others than me that kick my ass in terms of achievements and milestones, the beauty of it is (I only worry about myself.

Monogamy or whatever you want to call it…..

From the soul of Mr.Arnold Stephens:

 

“Monogamy

 

Do me a favor.

 

Take a second to think about the first time your eyes met those of another. Think about the rush of elation you felt flood your body.

 

Can you remember? Good, now say it out loud. Describe it to yourself.

 

Now that we have set the mood, let’s continue.

 

Think about the feeling you had when you met this person, now think about how it must feel to meet this person and find things you have in common. Finding common ground where the two of you can explore these worlds you mutually share. The world is full of beautiful things and we are here to connect and enjoy it. We are built to coexist with others around us. Connecting is a natural part of life.

 

More specifically, I have found that dating has changed inexplicably. It’s not that we are incapable of being vulnerable or finding feelings, or even committing; its just that our patience is paper thin. We constantly crave something new, our attention spans have dwindled exponentially.

 

It’s never been easier to connect with someone new, it’s never been harder to get to know them.

 

People are one tweet/message/phone call away and yet we have found a plethora of excuses to shut people out. We get caught up in the idea that we can meet someone anytime so why settle down. Something better may be on its way. This is the worst mentality to have. You do yourself an injustice when you decide to initiate a connection but never follow through. It’s like wanting to start a fire, having all the ingredients but being too lazy to actually get it going.  

 

Love is pure and vicious. Love is hot and cold. Love is raw and vulnerable. Love is every feeling you can imagine wrapped into one.

 

The beauty of meeting someone new is that you get a chance to fall all over again. You get the chance to experience that feeling of wonder and mystery. The feeling of wanting to explore them body, mind, and soul.

 

It’s you walking into a bookstore, picking up a book at random and not being able to put it down. We are walking life stories yearning to be heard. When you bring someone into your life, it’s the equivalent of finding yourself at the current page or chapter in their life, and it’s up to you to keep reading or go backwards to get some insight into who they are.

 

Dating is the part where you have read pages in, or maybe even a chapter or two, and deciding whether you want to help write chapters in this life story or get out while you can.

 

Imagine the art you can create when you decide to put your pen to that other person’s paper. Imagine how you can literally CHANGE their life. That is simultaneously humbling yet empowering.

 

I’m not here trying to martial how you love and who you love. Simply put, I want to just instill this sense of empowerment. You hold the power to create greatness in yourself and others. What are you waiting for? “

 

From the soul of Mr.Richard Bernard:

 

To me there is no perfect time to meet someone else, you can meet your significant other before your slope of success, in your prime years, or even more so after a failed marriage. I’ve heard/seen all scenario’s, but to assist my friend in his point “LOVE” is a sense of empowerment. Love is one thing that can kill you and make you feel alive again, I believe it is the strongest power in the world, because love can drive one to dangerous or higher places, it can cause people to do crazy things, whether good or bad. The point I’d like to make is that love is a “FEELING” that has such a powerful impact on a human being.

 

It may or may not come as a surprise to some that I am a hopeless romantic, it’s something I’ve come to terms with recently. I’m not proud to admit, but I’m also not ashamed. I’ve embarked in my journey for my soul mate and I’ve simply come up short, as to be cliché “ I know what I deserve” and I won’t settle for anything less. That’s life though, to take risks on love, because you deem a perfect so fitting to wanting to share your life with you, that you jump and hope to god you don’t fall flat on your face and instead you fly( yeah I’m corny I know) but to that extent it’s sad that I know people who are scared to take risks and scared to give more than themselves to another person, why? I honestly couldn’t tell you. If someone told you that everything you could want in love was possibly wrapped in a person ready to give you the world, would you not want to take a leap of faith?  

That’s where my views (not from the 6) differ from most these days, Many people aren’t willing to risk putting their neck on the line to end up looking like a fool. But to me here’s where you’re cheating yourself,  would you rather not look like a fool to a society in which you won’t even cross their mind the next time they wash their hands, or would you rather OWE LIFE TO YOURSELF and find out the risk and potential of someone else. That’s what we are put on earth to do, TO LIVE! While I respect you’re out focusing on your career, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t like to have someone home ready to hear about your day, there to celebrate all of your milestones, there to be told and appreciate every step you climb and if you don’t that’s absolute BS I’m sorry.You’re just too proud to admit you’re scared. Love can kill and rebuild you, love can provide life after it was taken away from you, love can make you feel that everything you touch can turn into gold, but love can also steer you away to dark and dangerous places as people can do crazy things for love whether good or bad. But that’s LIFE!! Not everything will always be perfect, but LOVE is the most powerful force that this universe has to offer. What’s the most cliché saying in the world “ Spread Money?” No “ SPREAD LOVE” because love conquers all, and I know I’m corny, but it’s true. Relationships are a thing of beauty, love is the most precious thing in the world, that’s why people are so struck/ hurt when it’s taken away. People carry that burden of being hurt by someone they love, by never dealing with it and not knowing that’s preventing them from loving another therefore convincing themselves Love isn’t for them. Love is for everyone, and you feel you’ll die alone, I’m truly sorry for whatever crushed your heart into thinking that negative. You’re a 10/10 to someone, you just haven’t met that person yet, or maybe you did and you just passed up on them, hey you weren’t the first person to experience this and you’re not the last, things have a way of working out. And If it didn’t work out with someone, that just means that simply that person wasn’t for you. I’ve seen and heard true love, from younger couples to older, and they all have their own definition, their own story. That’s what makes love so unique, it’s YOUR OWN STORY. I know people that have found love during a DWI course, high school sweethearts, a divorced spouses best friend( fucked up but true) but see that’s the thing, there are no rules when it comes to love, there’s no laws. You can fall in love with ANYONE, ANYWHERE, at ANYTIME. Happiness is possibly a second away from you, you’re willing to let it slip past you for a number of reasons? Well my friend, I just hope you don’t miss your second chance at it.

 

Meet the author

-Thanks A.O

During a conversation I had with an acquaintance of mine, she helped me to create the substance I felt I was missing from this blog. The key ingredient  missing was ME; I never introduced myself or my motives, I would just rant on and on, and of course as she so simply put it “ What makes you saying something different than another person saying it, from the bible, from your horoscope”. So for those who don’t know me, my name is Richard James Bernard a.k.a Papi Ricardo Escobar( Just kidding ) I am 25 years old, I enjoy long walks on the beach( don’t judge me it works on dating shows). No but in all seriousness the reason why I started this blog is because people have told me they find it easy to talk to me and because of that, they vent to me about their problems. Now I’m not a professional. but I as well as themselves have found and trusted that words from me has helped them to at least find the strength to overcome their problems, or have a more positive attitude. More so over, my positive insight and words have helped out a lot of my friend’s in their struggles, enough that I wanted to test myself and see just how many people I can touch with my words. I understand I’m young as most of you are questioning,” this kid hasn’t even begin to learn about life” but everyone has a story as to why they are the way they are and mine is part of what give me the insight and wisdom I have, as well as a conscious ability to stay open minded (in conjunction with my stubborn attitude) enough to learn from the people older than me that try to tell me how to better myself rather than learn and make my own mistakes. We all make mistakes; I’m just fortunate enough to have learned and built from mine. I’d like to just simply call it luck, but if luck can help me to assist even just 1 person from the learnings of my own personal experience than I have no problem labeling it just that. I’d like to someday become a life coach, but until then I have this blog as a starting base to gather my followers, learn my rights from my wrongs and to find my niche as a writer. So please join me as I do my best to make history.